Today is the first day...
of the rest of my life. I am welcoming myself to the blogging universe. I come in peace, to shed my thin skin and everything that sticks to it. This is my blog. This is me, this is the skin I'm in.
This is not my first attempt at blogging. I started another blog a few weeks ago and promptly forgot my screen name and password. I am thinking that this one will out-last that one. It was a trial really, I brought it home to see if it fit and I lost the receipt. And the bag. And the item. So here I am trying on a new one. I like it already. I feel better already. I'm like that you see, I lose things so easily, my keys, my thoughts, my manners, my neat hair and clothes. All gone.
I am here for a purpose. I need to tell you that I belong to a club that doesn't even know I exist. But I know they're out there, those of you who are losing your minds trying to conceive. Those of you that have lost pregnancies, like so many sets of car keys, like manners, neat hair and clothes, like thoughts.....like a thought. It's been almost 9 months since I lost my baby at 6 weeks gestation and now it feels so light and airy like a thought....or a dream. I used to have terrible dreams that my husband had left me where I would wake up crying the most desperate tears, and for half of the day I would feel a little insecure, a little unsure of reality. That is what this feels like sometimes, like I am perpetually waking up from a bad dream feeling a little, or more than a little, insecure.
....and my period came today. One day late. It was giving me a little tease....."maybe you're pregnant and the hpt couldn't pick it up".....my body whispers. And than BAM...blood. Lots of it too. Like so that I couldn't make that mistake that I could still be pregnant in spite of the bleeding....
So it's the first day. The first day of a new cycle trying to conceive. I wasn't even going to start this blog because I was going to be pregnant and it was going to be pointless and it was going to be beautiful and it...well, it isn't that.
I know we can do this because I have the most beautiful little boy you have ever seen in your life and he is 18 months old. He was conceived the first time we tried by the way....I hope you will stop in now and then and follow my journey....
-Erin
posted by ErinMary @ 7:31 PM
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