Some Details...
I have been blogging for what, a week and a half now? I've been meaning to get down and dirty into some details and just haven't had the chance. So now the young man is sleeping...I have no excuse.
Yesterday's poem was to mark the day that I would've given birth if I had not miscarried in March. I really like that poem, and it was the most appropriate words I could find, even when I include my own words. I don't really want to elaborate, I trust the poem to do my talking. The rest is private, so private even I have yet to articulate just what it means to me.
Today I almost bought an OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit), but I stopped myself and made it out of the store without one. I just need a break from the constant wondering and waiting and self-examining that goes into trying to conceive, month after month after month...
...and I think something changed with my due date having come and gone. It's like another chapter has closed in my life, for better or worse. A little at a time I let go of the, "I should be this," or "I should have that," or "what if it hadn't happened..." and so on. My life is GOOD. I wake up in the morning, put on some coffee, give Thomas his breakfast, we curl up and watch some cartoons, my GOD it is a dream come true.
Yes, I still want another baby, and the time may come when I have to see a doctor (or doctors) in order to make that happen for us. But today, I am okay, being a mommy of one. Tomorrow I may feel different, but right now I'm alright and that's what I need to focus on. And I've been so half-arsed with temping and charting this month. I don't even know what cycle day I'm on. My sister-in-law has 5 kids and she doesn't even know what your basal body temperature is. So maybe instead of the temping and the OPK's and the charting, etc., I should just tell my husband that we have to have sex every day. My God, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. And I can see him trying to find a place to hide....
There's no where to hide from me!!!!
posted by ErinMary @ 3:52 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
Oh Man...do I know what you're talking about.
I remember it vividly!
The, 'its OK to only have one child' talk you have with yourself.
You see, as I think you said in one of your posts, your Thomas was unplanned, as was my Logan.
It seems though once you put on that mommy hat, you're ready to have as many as you planned and go from there! No waiting!
The waiting is the hardest part.
After my loss, when the infertility all began, I thought I'd stop trying and know how blessed I was to in fact HAVE a child when so many don't have any. Unfortunatly what happened is I dove deeper and deeper. OPK's, HPT's, BBT, then Clomid, blood tests, HSG tests, u/s's, IVF consults, blah blah blah...and I got pregnant without any of it.
If you can mentally just do the relaxing thing for awhile, I think its good for the mind. You might just enjoy it! If your cycles are pretty regular you don't have to have sex every day! haha! I have REALLY long cycles and many times don't ovulate. I remember those daily marathons! It IS exhausting!
But, if you can't do the relaxing thing, don't feel bad! Those tools are there to help you learn about your cycle and get pregnant! Use them if you want to!
Oh, and you probably know this but just keep track of your mucus a bit. (No, I didn't do the Cervical placement checks...a bit too much for me) but I could tell if I was indeed close to ovulating or not!
Have you ever read taking charge of your fertility? I rented it from the library! Check it out! Its a great book! (or if you are way past that, I apologize!)
Good luck to you!
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