When Does Love Begin?
It's snowing! It's so beautiful. The flakes are big and swirling, and the backyard is completely covered in a white blanket.
I am trying to make peace with not knowing what is going on with this pregnancy. So much has changed in me since my miscarriage last March. When I found out I was pregnant at the end of February, I still adhered to the, "a line is a line," theory of the home pregnancy test. I had a really faint line, and a couple of days later, it was a little less faint. Two weeks later it was still really, really faint, and finally I miscarried.
I look back now and I have to wonder; was I really pregnant at all? I mean, the hormones were there, but they didn't really progress past implantation. They just sorta hung at that low level. The day of my miscarriage my beta was only 27. Barely pregnant.
And if I wasn't really pregnant, I mean, if there was never going to be a baby, what was it I've spent so much time grieving over? And it has been grief. I was so devastated by the loss of that pregnancy. I was depressed for months over it. Not because I chose to be, I just had to get to a place where I felt some peace about it.
For as long as I can remember, I have believed that life is sacred and it begins at the moment of conception. Any other attempt at figuring out where it begins just falls short. Like, maybe it begins when the heart starts beating, or maybe when the fetus is viable, or can feel pain. From the very beginning, the potential for all of life is there, the potential for a first cry, or a first kiss, or a first heartbreak. The beginning of life. How can anyone definitively say, at the moment of conception, that it is not Life?
My grief about my miscarriage is easy to explain, I suppose. It was the loss of potential. It was a life that had just barely started, but a life that already had a hold on my heart. It was the loss of innocence. My innocence about my body, and my innocence about pregnancy. Things don't always work the way they're supposed to. That seems to be a lesson I have to learn over and over again. I cannot control the outcome of my pregnancy. Not that one, not this one. I can be healthy, and still suffer a loss.
I cannot control everything that happens in this pregnancy, and if I do have another miscarriage, I will likely be even more devastated than I was the last time it happened. Knowing that scares me. Because more than I don't want to have another miscarriage, I do not want to have to go through the months of trying to recover emotionally. The months of being less than myself, of not being there 100% for my son, the months or years of wondering what is wrong with my body...
These are things you have to think about when you've had a miscarriage. Not because you want to, or because you think your pregnancy isn't healthy. I believe there's a really good chance that this pregnancy will be fine. It's because you have been through it before, and you can no longer pretend that it is something that only happens to other people. It's awful to admit, but when I'm on the pregnancy chat boards, I often wonder which ones of us will be the ones to go, the ones to lose our pregnancies. Because it is common, it is inevitable, it is a part of life. It will always be a part of my life, a part of my life that is hopefully in the past.
Today I get to show Thomas the snow. It's not his first, but he doesn't remember that. I wish I could know what he is thinking when he looks out at the white world, smiling...
posted by ErinMary @ 1:29 PM
6 comments
6 Comments:
Hey Erin, I saw you on my blog. Thought I'd stop by. Congrats on the little one!! My son is 16 now. I can hardly remember his baby days. Hold on to each moment, as it goes away fast!
Erin,
I love reading your blog! Since you posted the address on the PW site I have been reading it religiously. I am praying for you, and I hope you enjoy your holiday season!
Jessica (mrsschroer)
Laurie,
Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas really is a good book! Thomas is a little young to sit through it, but I enjoyed it.
Thanks for stopping bye!
Jessica,
Thank you for coming in and posting, and especially for reading! I still go to PW everyday, and the first place I go is "Actively Trying." I just know you all so well, it's hard to get to know a new group of women.
-Erin
Completely unrelated to your current topic but I live in ontario, we're not so far apart. Can I come visit sometime ? *S*
Ah, sure. How's tomorrow for you? I got nothin' goin' on.
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