Still Here.
I have been too sick and too in a fog to blog. Christmas Day was awful. It was the worst day yet. We managed to get to my in-laws a few hours late, where I immediately went to the upstairs bathroom to throw up and cry.
My house is messier than ever, and I don't have the energy to even think about the kind of cleaning that needs to be done. I have settled for trying to keep the dishes under control.
And I feel sooo bad for Thomas. His mommy is a zombie, and he's been so good. I just wish he didn't have to be cooped up with me like this. I haven't left the house in 3 days. I suppose he'll be okay, since he's still a baby.
This is the worst part. I know it will be crazy and difficult after the new baby is born, but nothing compares to this.
I am on medication, sometimes it works, sometimes, it doesn't.
Good news--my insurance cards finally came in the mail. Now I can schedule that ultrasound for early next week. I haven't wanted to admit it to myself, but I am still scared they're not going to find a baby in there. I don't know what else could be making me feel this awful, so I'm just hoping for the best. Hopefully all this sick, means a healthy, thriving pregnancy.
If everything is okay in there, I won't be doing this again. I know it must get better, but I just can't see putting myself and my family through this torture again. I know Ed would have three, but I don't think it's going to happen. Two children. I hope I am so lucky.
And there's something very appealing about knowing that I am done having children. No more debate, just making a decision and living by it. There's a sense of completion. I think after spending almost this entire year very focused on trying to get pregnant, and the couple of years before that being pregnant and adjusting to parenthood, has left me completely wiped out. I mean, I think I used to be a human being, even before I was a parent. I vaguely remember having friends, a job, a haircut, and a waistline. But maybe I just imagined all of that...
I guess no matter how much you want and love your children, being a mom is just not easy. But not much worth doing is.
posted by ErinMary @ 9:39 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
Aw geez, shit. I remember feeling somewhat similar but I thought it was because I was a single parent. I think we can call it the "small child fog" that sets in in the early years. I'd hope it clears out soon but I think it might take until after this child is born.
Otherwise I'll drive down there and kick you in the *&^$. No seriously, I'll just come for lunch.
I really hope you start feeling better soon! My sister is going through the same thing and had to get some drugs from her Doc for it. Let us know how your ultrasound appointment goes!
Jessica
Are you feeling any better this week?
I miss you... when are you coming back?... it has almost been a whole week...
E-me!
Jamie
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