I wrote this big long post...
last night before I went to bed. It was all about my miscarriage last year and how it has changed the way I feel as a pregnant woman, and how it has changed me as a person.
For some reason I just can't finishing writing that post. I'm not exactly sure why...
Maybe it's because those feelings are too intense and private, or maybe it's because I just haven't really sorted out how I feel about it.
Or maybe it's because so many women out there in blogland have written about their similar experiences so eloquently, that I don't feel like I can do it justice.
But I have this fear of not talking about it too. It feels like if I don't talk about it, people will assume it is something that I have forgotten about and pushed aside now that I am pregnant again. I will never forget that loss, even when everyone around me has. Maybe they already have.
I know that my miscarriage has made my current pregnancy seem very unreal. I had that pregnancy all planned out in my mind...I would be this far along when we went on vacation, I would be that far along at such-and-such a time...and in November we would have a baby.
Now my due date is in early August, and I keep that vision of the happy ending as sort of blurry and way in the distance. I'm not worried about my birth experience or names, I'm just worried about today. I am staying in the present.
I guess everyone deals with a pregnancy after miscarriage in different ways. Some people are terminally pessimistic to protect themselves. I guess they figure it's better to expect everything to go wrong and then be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't. I choose to be eternally optimistic. It's just another defense mechanism. If I choose to believe everything is going to be fine, it will be. But no matter how you choose to deal with your fears, there's just is no answer until you are holding a healthy newborn in your arms.
And sometimes there's just no answer. The universe can be a very quiet place when you're really listening.
I am older and wiser than I was a year ago, and I'm not sure that I like it one bit.
posted by ErinMary @ 1:01 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Erin,
I understand about trying to post the story of your m/c. I have said on my blog that I have had one, but I have not written about the actual event or what led up to it. I feel the same way about it as you do. I can talk about it, but I can't seem to get it down in black and white. I don't know why.
I am glad that you are being eternally optimistic. I can only imagine that it must be hard being pg after a m/c, but try, try, try to enjoy every minute of it. Even the puking. But, a couple of posts in a couple of days....you must be feeling better!
I hope that you are. I have been thinking about you. Be sure to keep us updated on how everything is going.
Take care,
Chasity
Erin, your a wonderful optimistic lady. I know how much I have actually appreciated getting older. It changes my perspective on things and made me so much more realistic about things. There is no reason you should have to spend you time worrying about another m/c... I think being optimistic is the best approach and who wants to spend the first 3 months of their pregnancy stressed and worried about another m/c, when they could be enjoying it as best as possible. It can't be good for bubs or yourself even though it must be hard not to be a little worried, as you have experienced such a heart breaking experience..I am glad your cheerful and happy.. I luv that!
Hope you have a great day.
Luv Lesley
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