Bigger...And Bigger....
I am gaining weight rapidly. No, this is a not cute, panic-cause-she -put-on-a-little-weight, pregnancy freak-out. I am 20 1/2 weeks pregnant and have put on 25 lbs. Yes, that’s right. Even with all of the throwing-up I did, and still sometimes do, I am packing it on. Like, I’ve put on 4 lbs since my appointment last Friday.
No, this is not pre-eclampsia. I am not swollen, my blood pressure is fine. I am huge, and it scares the hell out of me. I have four months to go, and I’m only going up.
I don’t over-eat, as far as I can tell. Things like cookies and ice cream don’t really even appeal to me, with the occasional exception. I was drinking a lot of watered-down lemonade because it made my tummy feel better, but now I’m drinking strictly bottled water.
Yesterday I had pancakes with my son for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, and then some macaroni salad around 5 o’clock. The macaroni salad made me sick, so it pretty much put an end to the eating for the day.
So far today I have had cereal and toast, a pear, a glass of orange juice, and a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch. That doesn’t sound too abnormal to me. It doesn’t sound like the meals of someone who is putting on a pound a day.
I was a fat, depressed teenager. I looked at my body in the mirror one day, and decided that I did not want to be that fat person any more. Over about 3 years, I lost 60 lbs. I became a vegetarian, stopped indulging in dessert (most of the time), and pretty much drank only herbal tea and water. There were exceptions, of course. This was really a time of mind over matter for me. It was me finding some control over my own existence, breaking away from the way my parents had taught me to eat and behave, and becoming my own person. I looked great, and I felt great.
I had already started putting on some weight before I got pregnant with Thomas. Getting married and settling down has put me back into some of those old habits. It’s tough when you’re taking care of a family. I make meals that my husband and son will enjoy, and I know that being around Ed has caused me to increase my portions. He makes it seem normal to eat four pieces of pizza in one sitting!!
But that’s not what’s going on now. I can’t explain this pregnancy weight gain. With Thomas I gained 70 lbs., but lost 40 of it within a few weeks after delivery. 30 of it stayed around. But I could at least explain that with the McDonald's and milkshakes that I like to eat when I was pregnant with him. I’m NOT DOING THAT THIS TIME and it’s happening anyway.
I cannot restrict how often I eat very much because of my sickness. I start to feel sick if I go more than a few hours without eating, and my body usually wants protein and carbohydrates to make it feel better.
I have resigned myself to gaining more and more weight until I have this baby. It will be at that time that the real struggle begins. It will be a struggle against my own bad attitude, tendency toward depression, and my lack of motivation. I need to start doing the soul-searching now, so that I can be mentally prepared for the work that lies ahead of me after Ryan is born. And it isn’t just about the weight, that is only part of the work. I will have my family, and I need to work on myself to be the kind of mother and role model I want to be for my children. Beyond that, I need to become the kind of person I need to be to be happy with myself, because ultimately I cannot be a good wife and mother if I am unhappy with who I am.
Can I do this and take care of my toddler and newborn? I will have to find a way. I will have to tell myself that I can find a way, so that I don't use them as an excuse to do nothing for myself.
It’s too bad all I really want to do right now is take a nap!
posted by ErinMary @ 2:01 PM
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