How Do You Know if You’re Depressed?
Does anyone out there know who Elliot Smith is? He popped into my head earlier today. It’s been a long time since I listened to him, he was a better fit in my drinking and depression days. He killed himself last year.
It was a line I can’t quite remember, something like, “My feelings never change a bit, I always feel like shit, I don’t know why, I just do.” Nice. But oh, how I have always been able to relate to those lyrics.
I used to be professionally clinically depressed. I was very good at it, and I knew my job inside and out. But there came a time when I felt I was growing out of that position, and somehow I clawed my way out of the black pit.
But like anyone else who has fought with major depression can tell you, there will always be days when you feel like you are being lured back to the edge of the pit, closer and closer to the slippery edge. There is some sick romantic draw, and it gets stronger the closer you get. I think this is because the closer you get to the edge of the pit, the more exhausted and helpless you feel, it just seems like it would be easier to fall in, to just sleep, and sleep. And sleep. And fuck everything else, because you’re so powerless and useless anyway.
The worst is when you don’t even know how close to the pit you really are until you’re right up on top of it. You turn around and there the bastard is. So, just jump right in, right? It seems so easy.
But this is different, I think. I mean, I’m not sure if it’s the black pit or if I’m just sick. It would make a world of difference to me to know that I’m not suffering from clinical depression again, but that maybe it’s because I’m pregnant.
I’m sick every day. I don’t throw up every day anymore, but I’m sick. I don’t want to do anything except sleep. No matter how much sleep I get I feel like I can’t quite wake up. This makes me feel like a terrible, failure of a mother. I feel like I can’t give Thomas everything he needs, I feel like I’m failing him every day.
My house is a mess. I feel overwhelmed by it, like I don’t even know where to start. Whenever I get it under control, it’s back out of control within hours. I hardly ever leave the house. I have lost contact with friends. My husband works absurdly long hours and I feel very alone, and I feel like I can’t HANDLE it on most days. This is also how I felt when I was depressed. One reassuring difference is that I am not having any suicidal thoughts. That's good.
What is wrong with me? Is it pregnancy? Is it the morning sickness and the hormones that are taking over? Why is this so hard? Why is it so easy for some women to be pregnant, and it turns me into a basket case?
Is the answer pills? I don’t really want to take Zoloft while I’m pregnant, especially since I already take enough pills to control the morning sickness. Or is the answer just letting myself feel this way while I’m sick and pregnant, and trying to do something if I still feel bad later?
It’s just such a slippery slope for someone with a history of depression. I know it isn’t unheard of for physical symptoms to turn on the depression switch.
I just don’t know what to do some days. I know I should be happy, I have my longed-for pregnancy, my healthy toddler, my husband. Why do I feel so overwhelmed?
posted by ErinMary @ 5:16 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
oh kiddo, I wish there was something I could do......
So sorry you are feeling down. I cannot even imagine, and if I could, maybe there would be something more I could say that could somehow help you along.
I love the ultrasound pic . .
Hope you are feeling more energized and happier soon . .
Erin, I wish there was something I could tell you. I hate that you are feeling this way. I have to confess that both of my pregnancies led me in to a DEEP state of depression. I just thought it was the morning sickness, the being so lonely, the fatigue, etc. But I wish it didn't happen. Pregnancy is supposed to be such a happy time. And it is for a lot of people, but for some, like us, it just flat out is depressing. I know how the house can become too much to take care of, and the family is too much, life just seemed to be too much. I do so hope it gets better real soon for you. Take care,
Heather M.
sweetie, it IS overwhelming. Don't make yourself feel guilty for feeling that way! But I'd talk to your doctor if I were you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this!!
I never told you...CONGRATS on you're little BOY!! Its so exciting!
So I'm just the person who stumbled onto your site,and this post really hit home. I have one friend that I can talk about the pit with, and my end of the conversation always goes, turn around, turn around and walk away from the edge! I don't think it is really that simple for everyone, and I'm not trying to be some pull yourself up by the bootstraps jerk. But at the same time, it really does work for me. Whenever I start to feel depressed, I distract myself with something fun, because I know where those thoughts of inadequacy lead me...I actually have an internal script that says, "Okay, I'm not listening to my brain right now because this isn't useful. I'll check in later to see if it is better." And I also firmly (uh, desperately if we are being honest) believe that it will be better later at some point. If I'm feeling like a shitty parent, I find something to do with the kids that is the opposite of my idea of shitty.
I wish you well, and I know you will be because you clawed your way out of it already.
Melanie
vs@mcn.org
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