I'm Noticing Something Out There
Has anyone else noticed that stay-at-home moms (such as myself), tend to find themselves struggling with depression? What's going on here? Most of us will tell you that this is the very thing that we wanted, to care for our children, so why is it leaving us so emotionally drained, angry, and sad?
I can only speak for myself when I say that I think it may be a matter of the job being much more difficult then anything anyone could have described to me. I knew being a mother would require a lot of patience and emotional maturity...but I guess I never really realized that it would also require....everything else that I have to give.
I watched my own mom struggle to be a mother to us while fighting debilitating psychological problems. For many of my very young years my mother was unable to leave the house without my father, and she was sometimes even unable to get out of bed.
I always knew that she loved us, but I did not understand at the time that the thing that was eating her alive was what was taking most of her energy, and not the job of being my mother.
For many years I thought that I would never have children. Not because I didn't want them, but because I didn't think that I could handle the job, or that I deserved the privilege. I didn't want to turn into my mother, and I didn't want to make my own children feel like they had to protect me from there own needs, the way I sometimes felt I need to do for my mom.
So now, when I feel myself falling into that dark pit, where I am angry and sad and lashing out at the little person that I love most in this whole entire world, I sometimes think to myself, in a very quiet inner voice, " you were right to think you couldn't handle this."
And that is when I feel my darkest.
And that is the door that leads to a place where I would not be a good mother to my children.
Sometimes I cry and scream into my pillow and accidentally break bathroom mirrors--and then--when I am done behaving very very badly...I do the thing that I must to remain sane...
I forgive myself. I remember that I am a human being, and that it is difficult to give of yourself all day long, everyday, with little help and no breaks.
I remember that my child knows, above everything else, that he is loved and he is safe. I remember that if I lose my cool and shout at him, he will forgive me long before I ever forgive myself.
I remember that while I do sometimes find that it feels like I am turning into my mother, that I am not my mother, and that I have the ability to make different choices than the ones my mother made. I have many more resources than she had available to her at the time. I will do what I need to do to be healthy for myself and for my family.
I do not know what is eating at other mom's that are challenged by depression, but if you are one who is reading this, just know you aren't alone. This is the most difficult job there is. It's easy to forgive yourself for slacking off and making mistakes at the office. It's not so easy when you feel you are making mistakes with your children.
Good night.
posted by ErinMary @ 9:24 PM
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