Imaginary Lines: 12/01/2004

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Still Here.

I have been too sick and too in a fog to blog. Christmas Day was awful. It was the worst day yet. We managed to get to my in-laws a few hours late, where I immediately went to the upstairs bathroom to throw up and cry.
My house is messier than ever, and I don't have the energy to even think about the kind of cleaning that needs to be done. I have settled for trying to keep the dishes under control.

And I feel sooo bad for Thomas. His mommy is a zombie, and he's been so good. I just wish he didn't have to be cooped up with me like this. I haven't left the house in 3 days. I suppose he'll be okay, since he's still a baby.

This is the worst part. I know it will be crazy and difficult after the new baby is born, but nothing compares to this.

I am on medication, sometimes it works, sometimes, it doesn't.

Good news--my insurance cards finally came in the mail. Now I can schedule that ultrasound for early next week. I haven't wanted to admit it to myself, but I am still scared they're not going to find a baby in there. I don't know what else could be making me feel this awful, so I'm just hoping for the best. Hopefully all this sick, means a healthy, thriving pregnancy.

If everything is okay in there, I won't be doing this again. I know it must get better, but I just can't see putting myself and my family through this torture again. I know Ed would have three, but I don't think it's going to happen. Two children. I hope I am so lucky.

And there's something very appealing about knowing that I am done having children. No more debate, just making a decision and living by it. There's a sense of completion. I think after spending almost this entire year very focused on trying to get pregnant, and the couple of years before that being pregnant and adjusting to parenthood, has left me completely wiped out. I mean, I think I used to be a human being, even before I was a parent. I vaguely remember having friends, a job, a haircut, and a waistline. But maybe I just imagined all of that...

I guess no matter how much you want and love your children, being a mom is just not easy. But not much worth doing is.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Yick.

I have just felt too awful to blog. Not to mention, when I am here, I just go on and on about how sick I am. But it's my blog, damnit.

I'm ssssick. Hhhhelp.

Finally broke down and went to the doctor yesterday. I had to pay out-of-pocket ($115), but I got my prescription for phenergan. I haven't made it to the drug store to fill it yet, because I haven't felt well enough, and I didn't want to drag Thomas back out into the sub-zero windchill. And in case you are wondering where my husband is, he usually works these awful hours. He actually did offer to go back out a 9PM after he got home to get it filled, but I didn't want him to.

I also got my orders for blood work and an ultrasound, for the day when my insurance does finally kick in. I saw the nurse practitioner. She seemed very nice, didn't give me that condescending head nodding while I wondered aloud if there's any way I can know that this pregnancy is okay without blood work or an ultrasound. She seemed to understand. At least, that was my perception, which is what is important, after all.

She also reassured me that the fact that I have had one miscarriage does not make me more likely to have another one. "I mean, if you had had three, that would be different," she said.

So, hopefully that insurance card will come in the mail any day now.

Either way, I'm off to the drug store today. Small price for some relief from this yickiness. I have to go vomit now.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Sad State of Affairs. LINK FIXED

Women are particularly vulnerable when they are pregnant. Here's a frightening and sad article about the murder of pregnant women.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

The Morning Sickness Grocery List.

There are a few foods that provide some comfort during this difficult time. Here's some of what gets thrown in the cart as Thomas and I are jetting through the aisles:

Haagan Dazs Vanilla Frozen Yogurt

Triscuits (original) and sharp cheddar

Raisin Bran (good for a small meal--good for the constipation)

Bagels--and cream cheese

Muffins--preferably blueberry

Ginger Ale

Grape Juice--for a quick sugar fix

Popsicles

Grapes

Apples

Sometimes, soup, if it's not too spicy. Otherwise I'll be tasting it all day.

How long can I live off of just that list?

The list might shrink or grow as the morning sickness changes. I find it's best to dry-heave before a meal. It seems to settle the stomach a little.

Remember--small meals--frequently. Being hungry will make you dry-heave, but being over-stuffed will make you wish you were, well, it'll make you regret it. Big Time.

Still holding steady at a 5 lb. weight gain. This is good. If I can keep it under 1 lb a week, I'll be doing great.

Actually, it hasn't been nearly as bad so far as it was with Thomas, but it's early. Even when I was almost 8 weeks pregnant, I can remember not having to throw up ALL day long. (I remember because that is when we got married, he he).

And for those who think I'm a big fat wimp, I don't get your "average" morning sickness. I have to be medicated so that it doesn't KILL me or the baby. When I was 36 weeks with Thomas they tried to take me off of the meds, and I was puking constantly. Every 5 minutes. Ed had to call and get me a script in the middle of the night.

Please Check out this link on severe morning sickness for more information.

6 weeks and 3 days today! Boy, it's just flying by, isn't it? Only 3 seasons to go until this baby is due.

Monday, December 13, 2004

The Weekend.

Well, it was nice. We put up our tree, which looks really beautiful (and smells awesome).

I went to see Gypsy with my mom and my sister.

We watched a couple of movies, Robbie the Reindeer, The Chronicles of Riddick, which was actually pretty good (no gory violence, just good sci-fi), and Hero, a beautiful kung-fu type action movie. If you liked Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, you'll like Hero.

Last weekend we watched an entertaining movie called (if I remember correctly), No Such Thing. I really recommend it, it gave me a pretty good laugh. The end was kind of a cop-out. You could tell they were going for the look of an ending that "really makes you think," but I think it was just a cop-out in disguise. But still worth watching.

See ya later.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Snoring, Sleeping, Swearing, Oh MY....

Still sick. Can't sleep at night. Heartburn. Am I going to bitch about this for the next 7.5 months? Probably, yes.

The hubby and I had one of those lovely spats that occurs in the middle of the night when you're pregnant and can't sleep and he snores like a freakin' grizzly bear. If he rolls over on his side, all is fine, because he doesn't snore when he's on his side. I don't want to stuff a sock in his mouth when he's on his side.

My husband isn't always the most agreeable person when I've kicked and nudged him in the middle of the night for the fifth or sixth time. I begged him to roll over on his side in the sweetest voice I could muster, even through the fire rising up my esophogus and the fact that I had to use all of my jedi powers toward not puking on the sheets.

At 3:45 AM, it went something like this:

Me: "Please, please, hon. Please roll over on your side. You're snoring."
Him: "I'm over as far as I can go! I'm right on the edge!" (in 1/2 asleep angry voice)
Me: "No, I didn't say MOVE over, I said ROLL over." (duh)
Him: Silence. Stays on back.
Me: "Ed, please. Are you going to roll over?"
Him: "I'm not snoring."
Me: "Oh, so I guess I'll just lay here and wait for you to start snoring your stupid head-off again. I'm sick and I can't sleep, and all I want you to do is roll over."
Him: Swears and mutters something under his breath while exiting the bed and going downstairs to make some coffee.

What? What are you looking at? He had to get up a 4 AM for work today anyway.
I stayed in bed for another 20 minutes or so before going downstairs to have a bowl of Raisin Bran. It made me feel a little better, and I went back to sleep.

He came in and gave me a nice kiss goodbye before he left, so I think everything is okay. Either that or he was like, "Better give the crazy bitch a goodbye kiss, or who knows what I'll be facing when I get home tonight." That's my guy!

Thomas had fun at the library, by the way. He didn't really play with the other kids, he stomped around climbing on chairs and pulling toys off of the shelves like he owned the place. I'm not even sure he noticed anyone else was there. That's my boy!

Thursday, December 09, 2004

In Hiding...

Ugh. I've been hiding this week. The nausea has started, just enough to scare me about what's to come. Yes, yes, I know. I wanted the nausea so I could believe that my pregnancy was okay. Well, guess what? I have the nausea, and I keep telling myself that it doesn't prove anything! Figures, right?

I'm fine when I wake up in the morning. It's getting out of bed that sets off the nausea. I go get Thomas out of his crib, and we go downstairs to get some breakfast. Of course, the last thing you want to do when you feel awful is stick some food in your mouth, but you have to. It's the only way to get the sick feeling under control.

I also made the mistake yesterday of eating a big tuna sandwich for lunch. After I ate it, it just sat there in the bottom of my stomach all day. The high levels of progesterone in my pregnant body cause the food I eat to just sit in my stomach, undigested, for ungodly lengths of time. I'm going to try not to make that mistake today. Maybe I'll have a little soup and bread for lunch.

Actually, it has been reassuring. The sickness means that the baby is growing, and demanding more and more from by body. It has also made me want to hide-out in the house and just let the world outside go on by. Bye. I've been wearing sweatpants all week long, not only for comfort, but because nothing else fits me right now. I can't wear my jeans because they dig into my belly. I can pretend to want to wear them for about half an hour, and then they come off.

And I'm fat. I've gained 4-5 lbs. already. I cannot gain 70 lbs. with this pregnancy like I did with the last. I don't have the luxury of starting this one 30 lbs. lighter. So, no fast food. No milk shakes.

I also can't sleep. Last night I lay in bed feeling sick and being assaulted with acid reflux. I propped myself up on two pillows with my arms limp at my sides, pretending I was in a coma. It helps me sleep. But before I got a chance to drift off, Thomas was crying. He has never been good at sleeping, and for his first 10 months I would sometimes be up with him 4 times in one night. He still gets up a couple of times a week, and it's getting a little frustrating. Sleep, baby! Twenty minutes later he was back in bed, and so was I, but then I was up again to go pee. Yeah!

I pretty much hibernated when I was pregnant with Thomas, too. It's fine for me, but it's really not okay for Thomas. He has to see more of the world than the grocery and his mother in sweatpants. Tomorrow I'm taking him to the library for toddler read-and-play time. I can't wait to see him interacting with the other babies. We tried a similar group about a month ago, but we got there only to find 4 babies ranging in age from 5-11 months old. Thomas is way too mature for that crowd. This one is for babies 3 and under, more his speed. I hope he has fun. I hope I don't throw up while we're there. I hope I find something besides sweats to wear out in public.

Oh yeah, I'm 5 weeks and 4 days today! We're getting there.

Monday, December 06, 2004

When Does Love Begin?

It's snowing! It's so beautiful. The flakes are big and swirling, and the backyard is completely covered in a white blanket.

I am trying to make peace with not knowing what is going on with this pregnancy. So much has changed in me since my miscarriage last March. When I found out I was pregnant at the end of February, I still adhered to the, "a line is a line," theory of the home pregnancy test. I had a really faint line, and a couple of days later, it was a little less faint. Two weeks later it was still really, really faint, and finally I miscarried.

I look back now and I have to wonder; was I really pregnant at all? I mean, the hormones were there, but they didn't really progress past implantation. They just sorta hung at that low level. The day of my miscarriage my beta was only 27. Barely pregnant.

And if I wasn't really pregnant, I mean, if there was never going to be a baby, what was it I've spent so much time grieving over? And it has been grief. I was so devastated by the loss of that pregnancy. I was depressed for months over it. Not because I chose to be, I just had to get to a place where I felt some peace about it.

For as long as I can remember, I have believed that life is sacred and it begins at the moment of conception. Any other attempt at figuring out where it begins just falls short. Like, maybe it begins when the heart starts beating, or maybe when the fetus is viable, or can feel pain. From the very beginning, the potential for all of life is there, the potential for a first cry, or a first kiss, or a first heartbreak. The beginning of life. How can anyone definitively say, at the moment of conception, that it is not Life?

My grief about my miscarriage is easy to explain, I suppose. It was the loss of potential. It was a life that had just barely started, but a life that already had a hold on my heart. It was the loss of innocence. My innocence about my body, and my innocence about pregnancy. Things don't always work the way they're supposed to. That seems to be a lesson I have to learn over and over again. I cannot control the outcome of my pregnancy. Not that one, not this one. I can be healthy, and still suffer a loss.

I cannot control everything that happens in this pregnancy, and if I do have another miscarriage, I will likely be even more devastated than I was the last time it happened. Knowing that scares me. Because more than I don't want to have another miscarriage, I do not want to have to go through the months of trying to recover emotionally. The months of being less than myself, of not being there 100% for my son, the months or years of wondering what is wrong with my body...

These are things you have to think about when you've had a miscarriage. Not because you want to, or because you think your pregnancy isn't healthy. I believe there's a really good chance that this pregnancy will be fine. It's because you have been through it before, and you can no longer pretend that it is something that only happens to other people. It's awful to admit, but when I'm on the pregnancy chat boards, I often wonder which ones of us will be the ones to go, the ones to lose our pregnancies. Because it is common, it is inevitable, it is a part of life. It will always be a part of my life, a part of my life that is hopefully in the past.

Today I get to show Thomas the snow. It's not his first, but he doesn't remember that. I wish I could know what he is thinking when he looks out at the white world, smiling...

Friday, December 03, 2004

Goin' Ta Get Some Movies...

The last few Friday nights I have spent drinking apple martinis and endulging in a smoking relapse. Not tonight. Tonight it's movies and hot cocoa. Or movies and egg nog. Yummy.

I actually think that the drinking and smoking helped me get pregnant. I mean, all those months of trying to exercise, eat right and not drink, got me absolutely zilch. So two Saturday's ago the husband and I went out to an excellent and yummy dinner, I drank way too much wine...and had an Irish coffee for dessert (no one can blame me, I really didn't think I would be pregnant this month). Mmmm. The next day is probably when implantation happened.

When I got pregnant with my son, I was living off of coffee, cigarettes, and girl drinks (mmm, whiskey sours, strawberry daiquiris)...so maybe that's just the kind of life I need to lead, I mean, for me to be really healthy. Maybe? Maybe some people die young of boredom because they only eat veggies and water and herbal tea. Or maybe, God forbid, the drinking and smoking actually did help me to RELAX? No. Couldn't be.

Lord knows my Grandma is 96 and never did a thing to stay healthy.

I doubt my doctor will find any merit to this theory.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Thursday, A Week And A Day...

It's been a week and a day since my first positive pregnancy tests. I am now 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I don't really feel anything...but I'm trying not to let that alarm me...

I'm tired, but I'm always really tired. I have a 19 month old who does a pretty good job of wearing me out. I feel bloated, my pants are already uncomfortably tight. At night when I lay down to go to sleep, I always feel like there is a lot going on down there...

But that's it.

No beta tests to report, we won't have insurance until January, due to my husband changing jobs. I just have to sit tight and wait.

I'm trying not to take anymore pregnancy tests.

When I was pregnant with my son, this is the day I would have tested. My period was 4 days late. I didn't have any symptoms then, either, so what the heck am I worried for?

I really think everything is going to be okay.

Cheers,
Me

Imaginary Lines