Imaginary Lines: 02/01/2005

Monday, February 28, 2005

One Reason I Blog.

I am not a people person. I think this is why the internet is so appealing to me. I can reach out and have contact without the strain of actually inviting anyone into my life and home. It isn’t that I don’t like people, it’s really because I have a hard time trusting anyone.

I’m one of those people who starts a new job, and it takes me months to tell anyone anything about myself. I don’t like putting pictures on my desk, it makes me feel too vulnerable. I guess this is because I have found that most people aren’t really interested in knowing anything about you, but they like to compare you to themselves. They like to find out if you are going to be useful to them in the future.

I don’t have a lot of faith in most people. I don’t trust people to be good, or to have my best interests at heart, whether it be my doctor, or someone to look after my son for a few hours.

I guess you could say I’m a loner, or that I only have a few people on this earth that I truly trust. I like being by myself, as long as I’ve got something to do, and over the years I have learned how to always have something to do.

I sometimes think it’s a miracle that I actually let myself fall in love with my husband. It’s like this window of opportunity opened up in my life and he kind of fell right through it. I think I knew I was going to marry him right from the beginning. I just knew, here is my life. I guess it’s a cliche, but I can actually remember the exact moment when we met, like it’s a photograph in my brain. I don’t remember feeling anything but nervous because I was starting a new job, but I don’t have that with anyone else. I don’t remember the exact moment that I met anyone, except him. He is just right for me in so many ways.

So, we’ve got each other. And our little family that we’re building. I have always envied people who can make friends easily, who have no problem opening their lives to people they have only just met. I’ve always thought that there must be something wrong with me, since I have such a hard time doing that. But I’m trying to be a little easier on myself. After all, there are all kinds of people in this world, and I’m just not ever going to be very gregarious. It just isn’t me. I didn’t learn that growing up and I don’t think it’s in my genes. The few friends that I have made and allowed into my life over the years are very precious to me as a result.

But I can’t help but hope that my children are a little more trusting than I am. Just a little...

Friday, February 25, 2005

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That...

I’m so relieved that it’s Friday. Yes, even those of us who do nothing but sit around all week are happy to see the weekend. I’m happy I’ll get a chance to see my husband tomorrow, happy he’ll get a chance to play with our son.

My husband got a promotion this week! It’s going to make our lives easier, not because it’s tons more money, but because we will get to spend more time together as a result. I was really feeling down because I didn’t think there was any end in site to this awful schedule. I haven’t seen my husband in days. It’s really hard on me, and I know it must be hard on Thomas. It really isn’t easy being the only one around for a little one, and I don’t envy the hard work that single parents must face each day. Being everything and everyone to your small child is physically and emotionally draining.

I went in to the lab and had blood drawn for the AFP screening today. I was avoiding it all week, but finally bit the bullet and had them stick me. I would have felt like a coward if I did not have it done. I’m the mother of this child growing inside of me, and I am responsible for its well-being. If there is something wrong, it is best for me and the baby that we know about it and deal with it. I can’t just stick my head in the sand with a what-you-don’t-know-can’t-hurt-you kind of an attitude. Usually, it’s what you don’t know that hurts you the most.

Thomas has had a slight fever for a couple of days now. He hasn’t exhibited any other symptoms, except being a little more cranky than usual. He is cutting some new teeth, but I don’t think it’s widely accepted these days that kids get fevers when they’re teething. We’ll see. Hopefully it won’t progress into something else.

I've been hangin' around a board I found for people who need to vent about their MIL. It has been pretty cathartic. I've come away with some new ideas for reminding her that I am a grown woman and will not be treated as less, particularly in my own home, with my own husband and children. Watch out!

I’m having a hard time protecting my belly from my wiggly almost 2-year old. He wants to jump and squirm all over me, and I don’t know how to tell him that he has to be gentle with mommy. He just sees me as a big play area. Emphasis on big. I don’t think he can hurt the baby, but it does kinda hurt me, not to mention the anxiety it causes. I guess I’ll just have to try harder to get the message across. I fell on my ass out in the driveway this week too. Nice.

My SIL and my brother had their twins last night! They are both healthy, born at 36 weeks. They both weighed in at about 5 lbs. 12 ounces. I'll probably get a chance to see them next week. There goes February!

Just a parting word on assvice. When a blogger requests the point-of-view of the reader, I do not think any well-intentioned response can be put into the category of assvice. Whenever I see the word assvice, I imagine some kind of torture device and a big ass being squeezed in a vice...anyway....

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

AFP, Yeah You Know Me...

I'm supposed to go in to the lab to have blood drawn for the alpha-fetoprotein screening test this week. I am feeling ambivalent.

On the one hand it can tell me that in all likelyhood, my baby is healthy and safe, which is probably the case. On the other hand, it could tell me that something is terribly, terribly wrong with my little wiggler, which makes me terribly, terrible anxious about having the test done at all. On my third hand, which sometimes comes in handy, it could come back with a result indicative of a problem, but not really mean anything at all, which is something that I do not want to go through.

My husband doesn't seem worried at all about it, and just thinks I should get it done. But I think it is easy for him to say because he won't even remember that I'm having the test unless I remind him again.

I did have the test done with Thomas, because I was younger and more eager to have them jab needles in my arms for every test they could think up on the spot. Or maybe I was just more innocent, and more sure that nothing bad could happen to me or my children.

So I'm ambivalent. What would you do? Have you had this test done during your pregnancies? Would you have the test done if you were pregnant? Keep in mind that I do not *believe* in having an abortion. It's not that I don't believe that they exists, like the tooth fairy or Santa Claus, I just do not believe that I ever want anyone to tell me that I have to make that choice, my choice being not to. Okey Doke?

Monday, February 21, 2005

Why Does it Piss Me Off?

Why does it piss me off when my MIL takes my son for the afternoon, tells me she’s going to give the exhausted child a nap, and then takes him to visit with her friend instead?

Why does it piss me off that she has given the title of Aunt So-and-so to said friend, without asking us? Call me crazy, but the only people I want my son calling aunt and uncle, are his aunts and uncles.

Why does it piss me off that she makes plans for my house, and asks people that she knows to do work on our house, without consulting us first? And then we end up trying to chase said people down to finish the work that they started? Is it supposed to make me feel better when she tells us that it took him 3 years to finish putting in her dining room window?

Why does it piss me off that she asks people that she knows to do favors for us, inviting people into our business who I do not know, without consulting us first?

Why does it piss me off that she doesn’t defer to me when it comes to my son?

Why does it piss me off that my MIL is so far up my ass that it feels like there’s 3 people in my marriage? Why does everything she does to *help* us feel more like the manipulation of a person who’s afraid we aren’t going to need her anymore? Why does it piss me off that my husband refuses to see this?

Why can’t I just look at everything she does for us, which is above and beyond the call of duty for any mother of a 36 year old man and his family, as just wonderful and generous?

Why do I feel a deep instinctual need to chase her off of my territory like some kind of a howling bitch wolf? Is there something wrong with me, or her? Or is it both?

Does anyone out there know how to set boundaries without alienating someone? ‘Cause the only way I know of how to set boundaries is to tell a person to eff off. It doesn’t seem appropriate when it’s your son’s grandmother, your husband’s mother, etc. I’m trying to be mature about it.

Oh, and moving several hours away is not currently an option. I’ve already thought about that.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Moving Forward.

I've been thinking about today's doctor appointment all week. When I think about how it will go it usually includes this moment, with the goo and the doppler on my belly, and the great big dreaded nothing.

Well, I got to realize that for a few moments today. She was not finding the heartbeat. So, she decided that the doppler was in need of new batteries, and proceeded to find another doppler, one with fresh batteries.

She pushed my flab aside and started swirling that thing around in the icky goo--and nothing. Hello??? Anyone in there??? I just got to lay there on the table thinking to myself, "Do not start sobbing, do not start sobbing. If she can't find it, will I start sobbing?" And then, of course, it was there. She found my little woosh woosh woosh. And then she only let me listen for like, a second. But it was there. IT was okay. Baby was playing hard to get, probably because it doesn't like having that damn thing smooshed into its little sac.

I actually thought that I had felt the baby moving right before the doctor came into the room, but it's so early that it's still hard to tell the little baby squirms from the I just ate lunch squirms.

I didn't actually start bawling until I got in the car. And then I couldn't keep up with it because I had to pick up my son at my mil's office.

Everything is okay. Today I am blessed to be one of the lucky ones. I can keep moving forward.

Thank God.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

How could something like this happen to someone like me?

I just don't understand it. I'm a clean person, and I don't even let them outside. I thought this sort of thing only happened to "those" people.

My cats have fleas. They itch all of the time. The orange one is even losing some hair around his tail. I'm thoroughly disgusted with them.

My feelings for my cats have not been the same since Thomas was born. They went from being cute cuddly family members, to potentially biting, disease carrying, vermin. I mean, more or less.

The strange thing is that I've been an animal lover all of my life. I've always had a cat, and half the time my family had a dog, too. But I couldn't handle taking care of that crazy dog I adopted last summer, and now I'm starting to strongly dislike my cats too.

Maybe it's because they go into the baby's room and wake him up in the middle of the night. Maybe it's their puking. Maybe it's because my pregnancy has rendered me helpless against their pungent kitty litter. Maybe it's 'cause once in a while one of them poops in the computer room. Maybe it's because I'm still so nauseated that I can't deal with any of that yucky stuff. Maybe it's because I FOUND A FLEA ON THE BACK OF MY SON'S NECK. Who knows. Maybe I need a therapist.

I'm going to order Advantage for them on-line. I hear it's cheaper than the arm-and-a-leg they charge at the vet's.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Random Thoughts

Did I ever tell you that the egg that produced this baby came from my left ovary? Yup. The tech told me that at my first ultrasound.

I think that this baby is going to be a girl. I just wanted to tell you that so together we can find out if I'm right when I go for my ultrasound next month.

I wonder which testis the sperm came from. Actually, I really don't.

And did you all see the first link in grrl's post today? It cracked me up.

Oh, and Lauren Lala, what on earth makes you think anyone in their right mind would give me a credit card?

Isn't it strange that I started this blog on day 1 of the cycle that I got pregnant? That means that this blog was started on day 1 of my pregnancy, a couple of weeks before I actually got pregnant. It's almost like I planned it. Yeah, like I had any control. Charting, mucous checks, cervical position, OPK's, HPT's, vitamins, and yet still no control.

Thomas is trying to type something on the computer. Now he's trying to turn it off. I guess I should take the hint.

I get to go to the doctor again on Friday, which means I get to hear the heartbeat again. I wish I had one of those home dopplers, but they're probably way too expensive.

Valentine's Day was fabulous. I don't miss those single days of cooking a fancy dinner and trying to be romantic--at all. It's much better to get a 2 lb. heart-shaped box of candy stolen off of your lap by your 21 month old son, who then rips it open and stuffs a piece of candy in his mouth, wrapper and all. Being married and being a family is so much better.

I mean sure, we didn't have hot sex, but I know he isn't going anywhere. Maybe we'll have the hot sex tonight. Who knows. It could happen. Or maybe we'll just wait a year, when the new baby is sleeping in more than 3 hour blocks.

I have edited this post five times. The last time was to remove a comma. Like I know where they go in the first place. Who am I trying to kid?

I don't spell-check either, by the way. However, I do have a dictionary.

Hope yur all having a happy Tuesday.

Friday, February 11, 2005

My parents have 3 children

and they are about to have 11 grandchildren. We were fruitful and multiplied, as any good Irish-Catholic family should.

My son, Thomas, is 4 years younger than any of his older cousins. When I was pregnant with him both my brother and my sister declared themselves done with having babies.

That was until my SIL got pregnant a month before I had Thomas (oops). When that baby was 5 months old she got pregnant again (oops, oops), with twins. A month prior to this she had also been pregnant (oops), but miscarried. She told me, still grieving over my own loss, that the miscarriage had been a blessing. Well, God had the last laugh over that one, reminding us that only He decides what's a blessing and what isn't, and bestowed upon them the miraculous twins. Identical twin girls, I might add. She wanted a boy, I might also add. (In your FACE, SIL). Four girls, and one boy. Oh, when they are teenagers. Ha, hahahahahahhahahhahahaha! (Did I mention that it was the same SIL whose advice for me when I was trying to get pregnant was, "Just come sit on my toilet, that's all it took for me!" What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Huh? WTF?)

Tonight at the hospital with my mother, my sister gave me the news that she is 8 weeks pregnant with her third child (four total between her and her husband).

What the hell is going on here? Monkey see monkey do? I thought they were DONE!

There's this teeny, tiny part of me that finds this annoying. I don't even know why, really. I guess I thought my children would be the little ones of the family (you know, babysitters a-plenty). Now there are rugrats running all over the place. Well, I'll probably be over it by morning.

Then there was this other little part of me that thought, "Oh God, if I have a miscarriage, I'm going to have to watch my sister go through her pregnancy, and it might just kill me." I really want to kick my own ass for even thinking a thought like that. I feel like my baby deserves better than to have me think that way. I mean, that's my child's life I'm talking about.

And I get to go through pregnancy right along side my big sister. I am truly blessed.

But know this!! If they keep poppin' out the babies, Auntie isn't going to keep on buying everyone birthday and Christmas presents. I don't even have a freakin' job. I thought it was bad already with birthdays every month of the year, but now we're starting to double up. February is the only month not yet claimed, and if the SIL goes a month early, even that won't be free anymore.

And if it gets really bad, I may not even bother to remember their names.

We're gonna be up to our necks in dirty nappies!

Just a Quick Note

Live from NY it's Friday morning. Not from the exciting NY, just the NY up north of that other, more glamorous NY. Hence the period on the first sentece of this post, not an exclamation point. We don't use exclamations points this far north in the winter. It's just too damn cold to get excited about anything.

My mother is in the hospital, so Thomas and I are going to make the trip to see her today. It's only about a 30 minute drive, but that's pretty ambitious for me seeing that I've been housebound for the past month. Of course, I've had special permission to leave for doctor appointments and the pharmacy.

We're hoping, of course, that it is nothing serious. At least, that is where I am in my head. I'm not the kind of person who runs through every possible worst-case scenerio just to succeed in working myself into a pointless frenzy of worry. We play it cool, until we are better informed. We--meaning me, myself, and I.

In case I don't get a chance to post again today or tomorrow, have a great weekend.

I'm 15 weeks tomorrow!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

I wrote this big long post...

last night before I went to bed. It was all about my miscarriage last year and how it has changed the way I feel as a pregnant woman, and how it has changed me as a person.

For some reason I just can't finishing writing that post. I'm not exactly sure why...

Maybe it's because those feelings are too intense and private, or maybe it's because I just haven't really sorted out how I feel about it.

Or maybe it's because so many women out there in blogland have written about their similar experiences so eloquently, that I don't feel like I can do it justice.

But I have this fear of not talking about it too. It feels like if I don't talk about it, people will assume it is something that I have forgotten about and pushed aside now that I am pregnant again. I will never forget that loss, even when everyone around me has. Maybe they already have.

I know that my miscarriage has made my current pregnancy seem very unreal. I had that pregnancy all planned out in my mind...I would be this far along when we went on vacation, I would be that far along at such-and-such a time...and in November we would have a baby.

Now my due date is in early August, and I keep that vision of the happy ending as sort of blurry and way in the distance. I'm not worried about my birth experience or names, I'm just worried about today. I am staying in the present.

I guess everyone deals with a pregnancy after miscarriage in different ways. Some people are terminally pessimistic to protect themselves. I guess they figure it's better to expect everything to go wrong and then be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't. I choose to be eternally optimistic. It's just another defense mechanism. If I choose to believe everything is going to be fine, it will be. But no matter how you choose to deal with your fears, there's just is no answer until you are holding a healthy newborn in your arms.

And sometimes there's just no answer. The universe can be a very quiet place when you're really listening.

I am older and wiser than I was a year ago, and I'm not sure that I like it one bit.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

There's been a lot of talk.

I just can't keep up. My head is spinning. Every where I look, someone is offended. There are pregnant women who are offended by women who are trying to conceive, because said ttc women don't want to gush over the pregnant women's symptoms. In fact, the ttc women find it quite hurtful at times to be exposed to said pregnant women gushing about their symptoms and sonograms. I can understand, I've been there, albeit my stay "there" wasn't long enough, I guess, for anyone to give me credit. I've shed buckets of tears over the baby I lost, and the fear that I wouldn't be able to conceive again, but so many people have had so many more tears....

Then there are the women who were ttc for a long time, got pregnant, and want to stay hanging around on boards designed for people who are still going through the pain of trying to conceive, you know, showing off their awesome beta numbers, their beautiful sonograms, the massive amounts of weight they're gaining (oh wait, that's me), etc. They are offended because these women who are trying to conceive can only take the good news up to a certain point. Then it just becomes painful. What is so damn difficult to understand about that?

Then there are pregnant women who are feeling unsure of their pregnancies, who are deeply afraid of loving and losing again, who are offended by other pregnant women who are feeling pretty good about their pregnancies. This, I can also understand.

Here's what I don't get--how the hell am I supposed to know who is prone to being offended by what? What blogs am I allowed to post a comment on?

Up until now, I have commented on a blog if I found the post was something I could relate to, or found it funny, or just liked the blogger's style. Now I'm not sure...if I'm welcome at other people's blogs...I'm not trying to be offensive...but how do I know if I'm causing undue psychological stress through the POWER of my comment?

I never leave nasty comments--ever. I've got better things to do. If I find a blog to be offensive, or I just plain HATE the author and everything he/she says, I just don't read it. Or I read it, knowing that I'm just looking to get pissed off, and leave it at that.

So if I'm only doing my best to leave cordial, constructive, supportive comments--how can I ever know if I'm being destructive and awful, and at worst, O-FFENSIVE?

Well, this is the way I see it. You can't know. And if someone allows the public to comment on their blog, they're always going to be subject to hearing nasty things, or nice things, that they don't want to hear. No one can live in a bubble. It's just a shame that the few psychos out there have to cause so much hurt to people who don't deserve to be treated with such disregard. I'm sorry that my friend, Jamie, has recently been the victim of one of these psychos.

So I'm just going to go on my merry, sometimes puking, way, commenting on blogs that I like or that I find interesting. I mean, if that's okay.

Friday, February 04, 2005

All is well.

The doctor's appointment went fine yesterday, I got to hear my little one's woosh woosh woosh woosh heartbeat! You really never get tired of that. Of course, this was only the third time, and each time it happens I think to myself, "holy crap, I'm actually pregnant." I mean, after all of those months of feeling like a complete lunatic taking pregnancy tests like, every day of the freakin' month, I sometimes think that I really am just crazy enough to be imagining this whole thing.

And then there's that heartbeat. Again, holy crap. There's a baby in me. A new life. My child. It's just so awesome and over whelming sometimes.

And I'm officially in maternity clothes. I don't have that much yet, so it's still yucky sweats and the like for around the house, but if I actually have to go somewhere, I can where the cute stuff that makes me look more pregnant than just plain fat.

Oh, and just in case anyone was wondering, the blood in the vomit is pretty normal. The doctor said that it's just like how pregnant women are more likely to have bloody noses and bloody gums, a little blood in the mucous I vomit up is par for the course.

And the cramps are no biggy--she told me I could take something for the constipation if I needed to (I forget what she said to take, but I've gotten written down somewhere).

Hope all is well out there in the land of Blog.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Bloody bodily fluids...

Is it cause for alarm if the scant fluids produced by your eye-bulging dry-heaving is streaked with blood? Or is this just some common capillary busting going on? Anyone?
Also, is it too early for braxton-hicks contractions, and if so, what is the pain I'm feeling every night when I go to bed? It's this uncomfortable sensation that starts at my belly button and moves down my abdomen. There are waves of them. Sounds like braxton-hicks, but it's so early at 13 1/2 weeks, isn't it?

I'll ask the doctor tomorrow, but I felt too silly for a special call. I mean, really, aren't I just LOVING all this sickness and attention? Can't I just stop being so freakin' dramatic? So what, you've been throwing up for 2 months. Get a real problem. And a job too, while your at it. Stop using your toddler as an excuse to just sit around in dirty sweatpants throwing up all day long. Can't you see that the child would, afterall, rather be in daycare than sit around with you all day while you choke down dry tortilla chips? Selfish, selfish, woman.
And what about your poor husband? Should he alone be saddled with the financial survival of this family just so YOU can have the joy of seeing your children grow and learn? I mean, aren't you being a little paranoid to just ASSUME your child will get less than adequate care at a day care facility? Can't you do anything? Aren't you employable?

Think I'm having a mini-breakdown. I mean, it's February for crying out loud. Who isn't sick of this crappy winter? Not to mention that Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm in no condition to eat yummy chocolates. I want the chocolates!! My stomach won't put up with it! How sad.

Imaginary Lines