- Imaginary Lines: 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005

Monday, January 31, 2005

Hi ya.

I deleted my last post. Afterall, there's only so long you can look at a whiny post about someone who you do, afterall, love. So, it's gone. I feel better already.

I'm 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant! Yay! I still feel pretty awful, but I told Thomas I would take him out today since it's actually above freezing. So maybe we'll try to go out for lunch.

I'm trying to come to terms with the part of me that is freaked out about being the mother of two. I wasn't sure I was allowed to have these feelings after wanting and wanting and wanting this baby so bad, but I'm pretty sure I'm still allowed to feel this way.

But I think we're going to be alright. Better than alright, I think it's going to be great. I can't wait to meet this new little person. I also felt better remembering that I felt the same way when I was pregnant with Thomas. I was so terrified of how much work it would be and I wasn't so unsure of myself as a mom. But when they are born, you love them so much more than you even imagined, and that makes up for all of those things you were afraid of. So, I'm just going to try and roll with it.

My next doctor's appointment is this Thursday, since I'm still going in once a week to monitor the morning sickness. It's been great, hearing the baby's heartbeat. It's music to my ears.

I'm off to get lunch with Thomas.

posted by ErinMary @ 11:39 AM   2 comments

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Been a Rough Week.

The Zofran decided it doesn't want to work any more, and I spent all day Wednesday in the hospital hooked up to an IV. I have been so exhausted from lack of fluids and food, that I haven't really been able to do much. Ed stayed home with me on Thursday, and then his mom came over to help on Friday. I have to stop and rest after climbing the stairs. Pretty pathetic!

Not to mention, the more I move around, the more I throw up. I can't really eat much at this point, and I'm beginning to wonder how the little one in there is taking all of this. It's hard to imagine how we're all going to make it through the next six months if this doesn't let up a little bit.

What I can eat has little nutritional value. Grape soda is the only thing that makes me happy, as far as liquids go. I really feel lucky that I could think of anything that I could drink, you know, so the baby and I can stay alive.

I start every morning with two eggs, like it or not, and it takes me about 45 minutes to choke them down. Today my husband even threw in a lightly-buttered piece of toast. So far, so good. Yesterday I also managed a bowl of soup and 3 chicken fingers (throughout the day). Doesn't exactly meet the extra 500 calories a day, does it? I guess it's good I have those extra reserves (fat). I am just a little below the weight I was when I started this pregnancy, as of a couple of days ago anyway. That means I've lost about 7 lbs. so far. I have the sinking feeling that I will be back in the hospital before long.

So we're all hanging in there, and I hope you all are too. I know that this will all become a distant memory when I'm holding my little one in my arms. Let's just hope my family and I can stay sane until that happens.

posted by ErinMary @ 1:03 PM   7 comments

Friday, January 14, 2005

New Post.

No, really, this is a new post. Thank you to all who have had kind words for me during this time of illness. It really has meant a lot. Not one person has said, so far, "oh, just suck it up and be quiet." I thank you to those who refrained from giving me that suggestion.

Yesterday was Ed's birthday. He's 36. Wow. That seems so old to me. He was 29 when I met him, and that seemed old to me too. Now I'm 29, and it still seems old to me! But not for long, 30 is coming along this March.

We have been busy this week with a little project, my husband and I. It's a little something I like to call, "let's try and remember what sex was like before we were trying to conceive." Oh yeah! I completely forgot! It was fun!

It started with an argument last weekend, an argument that ended in the discussion of what trying to make a baby, unsuccessfully, for 10 months, did to our sex life. And to our connection to each other. And then of course, it evolved, into us reminding each other of what we had been missing out on....twice. I hope I'm not crossing the line for any of you reading this, but it has been a very long time since we did the deed twice...in one day. Trying to conceive sex, which some of you know a lot about, can be pure psychological torture for both involved. And this isn't the good kind of sexual torture...

I know to many of you 10 months is a drop in the bucket compared to what you have gone through or are going through. But it's also no day at the beach. If you've ever gone through this, you know what it can do to your self esteem, your faith in your body, your faith in your partner (will he still love me?), and even your faith in yourself as a woman. Now, I'm not saying that all of these things SHOULD be tied up in our fertility, I'm just saying that for many of us, these things are tied up in our fertility. Something we might not have known if we got pregnant the first time every time.

So it has been nice, really nice, to say the least. All those months I wished that I could just put aside my feelings about getting pregnant, just let go, and have passionate sex with my husband, only to find that it was an impossible thing for me to do. I'm so glad we could reconnect. I wish we had found a way to do it sooner.

Oh, and the Zofran? It helps, but I still threw up twice today, and have spent most of the rest of the day trying not to. I hope it lets up a little soon. I'll be 11 weeks tomorrow!

posted by ErinMary @ 2:16 PM   4 comments

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Hi!

I'm still sick! If I put an exclamation point on what I say, does it make me seem happy about it?!
I haven't been able to come on here. Like some foods, the thought of coming on-line has been making me want to puke. But I'm having a so-so moment here, and thought I would check in with the blog.

It has been pretty hellish. Since the phenergan hasn't been working, they put me on suppositories instead. What fun! I've never had the pleasure of using a suppository before! They make you feel like you're going to go in your pants! It's a really nice addition to the nausea and vomiting.

Yesterday I had acupuncture done for the first time, as I am willing to try anything. It hurt! What do you know? He also burned my toes with some incense and told me I was in pretty bad shape because it took me so long to feel the burn. I was thinking it was because my toes were numb from being outside, but he insists I have poor kidney function. Uh, okay. Hell, it was worth a try. I'd walk on coals if I thought it would make me feel better.

I was on the table for 1/2 and hour with pins sticking out of me, trying my best not to throw up. I managed to wait until I was safely in the parking lot before wretching.

Something good actually did happen this week. I got to see my baby! My healthy little fetus, with a heart beat of 183 per minute, wiggling and squirming in my uterus. It's measuring 2 days ahead of schedule, and the ultrasound tech gave me a due date of August 6. Want to see?

Little One

Isn't he/she beautiful? Do you see those five little fingers waving at me? It was amazing, I was still surprised to actually see a baby in there, and more than a little relieved.

Ed has been awesome too. He brought me a dozen yellow roses last night, to help me feel better. And better yet, he's been helping out a lot with the baby and the cleaning. My love.

Today I start on Zofran, and I'm really hoping this is the one that's going to offer me some relief. It's expensive ($30 copay), but well worth it if it works.

I also want to say congratulations to Jennifer at Three Shades of Blue, on the arrival of her son, Miles. They are both safe, despite the emergency circumstances under which he was delivered. Welcome, little one!


posted by ErinMary @ 11:59 AM   4 comments